Punch Dancing

You’re the best around

When conflict arises there’s a time to respond in a sensible, logical manner, and there’s a time to meet that conflict head-on in a glorious blaze of angst and hyperbolic fury. ’80s teens know that the best way to deal with problems is to punch dance your way through them. We’re going to figure out how, starting with the ultimate…

Step 1: Know that you are epic

Take a deep breath. Imagine you are the center of the universe, because you definitely are. You are special and everything you do from this moment forward will have an everlasting impact on the human race. For your skills in fighting, driving, riding, piloting, and sportsball are unprecedented. Exhale. Imagine each cell in your body is a mini-you—sprinting up a mountain to drop-kick a kung-fu master into the ocean. You are ready.


    The Legend

    Swayed a fanatical preacher and taught an entire town how to dance their asses off


    The New Kid

    Won a regional karate tournament by beating up multiple blonde kids while standing on one foot

  • Cru Jones

    The Contender

    Dominated Hell Track and romanced Lori Loughlin in the world’s only BMX dance-off

  • Scott Howard

    The Underdog

    Gained an unprecedented level of popularity by embracing his inner-werewolf and van surfing

Step 2: Identify The Opposition

Punch dancing is easier when you can find someone to blame for all your personal problems. It’s nice if that person is actually bad, but not essential. Just imagine that they’re the physical manifestation of everything that bothers you, and direct all your angst and anger at them. With a little bit of luck, you’ll find yourself in a self-fulfilling prophecy bound for a climactic duel.


    The Fanatic

    Rigid and domineering, Rev. Moore influenced the entire town of Bomont to ban dancing. This, coupled with Ren’s interest in his daughter, Ariel, put them at odds immediately.


    The not-so-bad guy

    Johnny is arguably just in the wrong place at the wrong time. He’s pressured by his peers and encouraged by his misguided sensei to behave ruthlessly toward Daniel.


    The Pro

    Bart Taylor, a spoiled, cocky BMX pro, develops a personal vendetta against Cru. It becomes an obsession, and ultimately leads to self-sabotage when racing HellTrack.

  • MICK

    The Jealous Ex

    Blessed with one of cinema’s best stone-faced scowls, Mick is the last-nameless setpiece opposite Scott Howard. Mick proves not all bullies have to be blond.

Step 3: Dress the part

Chuck: “I thought only pansies wore neckties.”
Ren: “See that? I thought only assholes used the word ‘pansy’.”
Chuck: “SHUT UP! Son of a bitch is gonna pay for that!”

There’s only one rule: stand out. If you wear sweats, layer them and cut off the sleeves so people know how intense you are. Wanna wear a jumpsuit? Great! Find one that makes you look like an extra from a knockoff StarTrek movie. DIY uniforms, costumes, and statement tees are your friends. Wear protective sporting equipment for no reason. Tie a bandanna around your leg. Tightroll your jeans. And if all else fails, dress up like a gang member from Michael Jackson’s Bad music video.

Step 4: Find the right tunes

You need a song that puts the raw, elemental emotion you feel into lyrics and soaring melody. John Farnham, Bill Conti, Bonnie Tyler, and Joe ‘Bean’ Esposito won’t steer you wrong. If you’re unsure, be sure the song has words like thunder, lightning, ice, glory, passion, fire, burning, nothing, everything, and danger.

Listen to the epic punch dancing song clips below, and see if you can guess the next lyric.

Step 5: PunchDance!

Now is the time! Focus all your energy and imagine the entire universe is watching your every move. Feel free to use this YouTube playlist below as your very own punch dancing aid (also available on Spotify)…

Recommended Watching

Here are a few more films to inspire future punchdancing sessions. Enjoy, and happy punchdancing!

“I needed to think about last night. So I galloped into a wooded glen, and after punch-dancing out my rage and suffering an extremely long and very painful fall, I realized what has to be done.”

—Rod Kimble in the ultimate punchdancing homage, Hot Rod