HOW TO GET THE GIRL (IN THE 80s)

This is the story of a timeless quest. Whether boy or girl, gay or straight, the proverbial quest to “Get The Girl” has likely consumed us all at one time or another. For some, love is a simple one-step process. For others, it’s defeat after defeat only to find you were looking in the wrong place the whole time. In those times of heartbreak there was always a guide, and his name is John Cusack. In despair? Lost your libido? Just ask yourself one question: “What Would John Cusack Do?”

THE FACES

  1. Walter “Gib” Gibson
    The Sure Thing
  2. Lane Meyer
    Better Off Dead
  3. Lloyd Dobler
    Say Anything
  4. Hoops McCann
    One Crazy Summer

THE MIXTAPE

Exhibit A: For starters, every love story needs a soundtrack

  1. “Heart of Rock & Roll” by Huey Lewis and The News
    “Penny Lover” by Lionel Richie
  2. “One Way Love (Better Off Dead)” by E.G. Daily (aka Dottie)
    “Everybody Wants Some” by Van Halen
  3. “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel
    “Within Your Reach” by The Replacements
  4. “What Does It Take” by Honeymoon Suite
    “Don’t Look Back” by Cassandra Eldridge

map of america

ONCE UPON A TIME

Exhibit B: A quest across the far reaches of the United States

  1. A northeastern college all the way to UCLA
  2. Greendale, California
  3. Seattle, Washington
  4. Nantucket, Massachusetts
timeline

Exhibit C: Timeline of True Love

THERE WAS A BOY

He is depressed because

  1. He can’t get laid
  2. His girlfriend broke up with him
  3. He can’t have the girl he wants
  4. He yearns for true love
  1. The Girl
  2. A Hamburger with a Guitar
  3. Diane Cort
  4. Cupid & the Rhinoceroses

Exhibit D: The subject of his daydreams

HIS SWEET RIDE

  1. 18-wheeler
  2. Black 1967 Camaro SS
  3. Blue Chevy Malibu
  4. Ferrari-powered Sailboat

Exhibit E: His bitchin’ ride

WITH A SWEET RIDE, MANY TALENTS

His Sport & His True Hidden Talent

  1. Football & Shotgunning beers
  2. Skiing & Animation and the sax
  3. Kickboxing & Keymaster
  4. Basketball & Animation

AND A BAND OF TRUSTY SIDEKICKS

  • Lance
    Anthony Edwards
  • Charles De Mar
    Curtis Armstrong
  • Corey Flood
    Lili Taylor
  • The Stork Twins
    Bobcat Goldwhait as Egg
  • Ack Ack Raymond
    Curtis Armstrong
  • George Calamari
    Joel Murray

Exhibit F: The Sidekicks

The Girls

  1. Alison Bradbury
    The Bookworm
  2. Monique Junet
    The French Mechanic
  3. Diane Cort
    The Bookworm
  4. Cassandra Eldridge
    The Demi Hippie

Exhibit G: The girl he really wants

THE BOY LONGED FOR A GIRL

The girl he thinks he wants

  1. The Sure Thing (Nicolette Sheridan)
  2. Beth Truss (Even Barney Rubble wants her)
  3. Pretty much Diane the whole time
  4. Cookie Campbell

BUT SOMEONE WAS STANDING IN HIS WAY

The adversary & Their kryptonite

  1. Jason, the uptight boyfriend & A good time
  2. Roy Stalin, captain of the ski team & Losing
    Ricky Smith, the geeky neighbor & Social settings
  3. Jim Court, Diane’s father & Taxes
  4. Teddy Beckerstead and his father & Lobsters
  1. The driver of a pick-up on a backwoods road
  2. A gang of paperboys & an Asian racing team
  3. Post-graduation plans
  4. A dolphin with rabies

Exhibit H: Other forces of evil working against him

SO HE DEFEATS THEM

How he defeats the adversary

  1. By being spontaneous and fun-loving
  2. Beats Roy down the K-12 on one ski
    Defeats Ricky in ski pole fencing
  3. By default when ‘ol John Mahoney gets thrown in jail
  4. Wins the annual regatta race

AND TOTALLY GETS THE GIRL IN THE END

The movie fades out and they’re making out…

  1. On the roof of the library under the stars
  2. At Dodger field on the hood of his Camaro
  3. Not on fade out, but they totally make out in the park once
  4. On the docks of Nantucket

Ralph Cusack // John Macchio

BONUS: IF CUSACK WAS THE KARATE KID

Before everyone starts freaking out, this is just a re-imagining of The Karate Kid with Cusack. We know that NO ONE can replace The ‘Mach. NO ONE. We know this.

  1. The boy is depressed because
    He has to move to Reseda with his Mom
  2. His sport and hidden talent
    Karate and waxing cars, sanding floors, etc.
  3. The girl
    Ali Mills, Elisabeth Shue
  4. His bitchin’ ride
    Yellow 1950 Chevrolet convertible
  5. His trusty sidekick
    Mr. Kesuke Miyagi, Pat Morita
  6. The adversary and the defeat
    Johnny Lawrence. Crane to the face.