HOW TO GET THE GIRL (IN THE 80s)

This is the story of a timeless quest. Whether boy or girl, gay or straight, the proverbial quest to “Get The Girl” has likely consumed us all at one time or another. For some, love is a simple one-step process. For others, it’s defeat after defeat only to find you were looking in the wrong place the whole time. In those times of heartbreak there was always a guide, and his name is John Cusack. In despair? Lost your libido? Just ask yourself one question: “What Would John Cusack Do?”

THE FACES

  1. Walter “Gib” Gibson
    The Sure Thing
  2. Lane Meyer
    Better Off Dead
  3. Lloyd Dobler
    Say Anything
  4. Hoops McCann
    One Crazy Summer

THE MIXTAPE

Exhibit A: For starters, every love story needs a soundtrack

  1. “Heart of Rock & Roll” by Huey Lewis and The News
    “Penny Lover” by Lionel Richie
  2. “One Way Love (Better Off Dead)” by E.G. Daily (aka Dottie)
    “Everybody Wants Some” by Van Halen
  3. “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel
    “Within Your Reach” by The Replacements
  4. “What Does It Take” by Honeymoon Suite
    “Don’t Look Back” by Cassandra Eldridge

map of america

ONCE UPON A TIME

Exhibit B: A quest across the far reaches of the United States

  1. A northeastern college all the way to UCLA
  2. Greendale, California
  3. Seattle, Washington
  4. Nantucket, Massachusetts
timeline

Exhibit C: Timeline of True Love

THERE WAS A BOY

He is depressed because

  1. He can’t get laid
  2. His girlfriend broke up with him
  3. He can’t have the girl he wants
  4. He yearns for true love
  1. The Girl
  2. A Hamburger with a Guitar
  3. Diane Cort
  4. Cupid & the Rhinoceroses

Exhibit D: The subject of his daydreams

HIS SWEET RIDE

  1. 18-wheeler
  2. Black 1967 Camaro SS
  3. Blue Chevy Malibu
  4. Ferrari-powered Sailboat

Exhibit E: His bitchin’ ride

WITH A SWEET RIDE, MANY TALENTS

His Sport & His True Hidden Talent

  1. Football & Shotgunning beers
  2. Skiing & Animation and the sax
  3. Kickboxing & Keymaster
  4. Basketball & Animation

AND A BAND OF TRUSTY SIDEKICKS

  • Lance
    Anthony Edwards
  • Charles De Mar
    Curtis Armstrong
  • Corey Flood
    Lili Taylor
  • The Stork Twins
    Bobcat Goldwhait as Egg
  • Ack Ack Raymond
    Curtis Armstrong
  • George Calamari
    Joel Murray

Exhibit F: The Sidekicks

The Girls

  1. Alison Bradbury
    The Bookworm
  2. Monique Junet
    The French Mechanic
  3. Diane Cort
    The Bookworm
  4. Cassandra Eldridge
    The Demi Hippie

Exhibit G: The girl he really wants

THE BOY LONGED FOR A GIRL

The girl he thinks he wants

  1. The Sure Thing (Nicolette Sheridan)
  2. Beth Truss (Even Barney Rubble wants her)
  3. Pretty much Diane the whole time
  4. Cookie Campbell

BUT SOMEONE WAS STANDING IN HIS WAY

The adversary & Their kryptonite

  1. Jason, the uptight boyfriend & A good time
  2. Roy Stalin, captain of the ski team & Losing
    Ricky Smith, the geeky neighbor & Social settings
  3. Jim Court, Diane’s father & Taxes
  4. Teddy Beckerstead and his father & Lobsters
  1. The driver of a pick-up on a backwoods road
  2. A gang of paperboys & an Asian racing team
  3. Post-graduation plans
  4. A dolphin with rabies

Exhibit H: Other forces of evil working against him

SO HE DEFEATS THEM

How he defeats the adversary

  1. By being spontaneous and fun-loving
  2. Beats Roy down the K-12 on one ski
    Defeats Ricky in ski pole fencing
  3. By default when ‘ol John Mahoney gets thrown in jail
  4. Wins the annual regatta race

AND TOTALLY GETS THE GIRL IN THE END

The movie fades out and they’re making out…

  1. On the roof of the library under the stars
  2. At Dodger field on the hood of his Camaro
  3. Not on fade out, but they totally make out in the park once
  4. On the docks of Nantucket

Ralph Cusack // John Macchio

BONUS: IF CUSACK WAS THE KARATE KID

Before everyone starts freaking out, this is just a re-imagining of The Karate Kid with Cusack. We know that NO ONE can replace The ‘Mach. NO ONE. We know this.

  1. The boy is depressed because
    He has to move to Reseda with his Mom
  2. His sport and hidden talent
    Karate and waxing cars, sanding floors, etc.
  3. The girl
    Ali Mills, Elisabeth Shue
  4. His bitchin’ ride
    Yellow 1950 Chevrolet convertible
  5. His trusty sidekick
    Mr. Kesuke Miyagi, Pat Morita
  6. The adversary and the defeat
    Johnny Lawrence. Crane to the face.

Discuss

This post has 51 comments.

  1. Michael Rice says:

    Excellent work, brothers!

  2. Again another awesome edition of the many faces, looking forward to your next one, hopefully michael j fox…

  3. The thing I look forward to most on the Internet now – congrats!

  4. Michael Rice says:

    I love the mix tape! Very tastefully integrated.

    Bonertown.

  5. This is perfect, just perfect. And the 404 is even more perfect, if that is possible.

    Hoops would be so proud.

  6. Oh man, these things are so damn thoughtful. It truly sells you on the power of custom-designed articles.

    Sweep the Leg!

  7. Shane says:

    Love John Cusack movies, and ALL of these are “classics.” GREAT job!

  8. Lloyd Diaz says:

    Love the site and content. Great. I want more!! By the way did Lane pay the two dollars to the newspaper boy?…

  9. Terry says:

    Once again, highly impressed. The mix tape does it for me! Look forward to future installments.

  10. Adam says:

    This is awesome.

  11. linabean says:

    i love LOVE it! most triumphant! can’t wait to see what comes next!

  12. jd says:

    Hahahahahahah………do al pacino or de nero next, both crazy type casted.

  13. Michael Rice says:

    @Lloyd D(obbler)iaz

    The movie closes with the paperboy closing in on them at Dodgers Stadium, so really, who knows.

    I like to think no.

  14. Lazlo H. says:

    @Lloyd Diaz:

    The paperboy falls off the K2. I don’t think he appears again after that.

  15. Lazlo H. says:

    @Michael Rice:

    Way to refute my comment before I even posted it.

  16. One of the best examples of a ‘blogazine’ mixed with an infographic. Great work, I love it. You should perhaps create some interactivity with your readers/ audience by asking them on twitter who the next ‘many faces of’ should be.

    Kudos!

  17. Nick Soper says:

    This post came to me at the perfect time in my life. Now, before I do or feel anything I will ask myself, “What Would John Cusack Do?”

    Thanks!

  18. MairHeard says:

    This is great. I think I have nearly every Cusak movie. He’s the semi-hopeless boy that every girl waiting for the perfect mixtape wants. Oh, that’s me. Anyway, RG, I want to buy a huge “Say Anything” radio Cusak for my wall.

  19. Jason Day says:

    Great series…

    I think you would have to include Michael Keaton…from Mr. Mom to Batman – it is a storied career.

  20. john says:

    this is awesome!

  21. Brittany McQune says:

    amazing.

  22. Angela says:

    Awesome! Can’t wait for MORE faces. :)

  23. Claudine says:

    More work, folks! TheManyFacesOf shirts?

  24. Elizabeth Sullivan says:

    The scariest thing is that he’s the spitting image of my high school boyfriend.

  25. Albay says:

    thing I look forward to most on the Internet now

  26. Suresh says:

    Sorry to bother you all with this silly question, what’s the purpose of this website ?

  27. Arun says:

    Brilliant, brilliant! Was totally looking forward to it. Just can’t wait for the next one!

  28. Amy says:

    Brilliant, brilliant! Was totally looking forward to it. Just can’t wait for the next one!

  29. Micah Blu says:

    Love this site! Please put “Christopher Lloyd” ON the LIST! Doc! Uncle Fester! Taxi! Would be so AWESOME!!!!!

  30. Awesome! Just awesome!

  31. Lyn says:

    I LOVE your graphics

  32. JJ Nold says:

    This site is great, I’m excited to see the next one!

    Corey Feldman?

  33. I’ve got to say this is one of the greatest sites I’ve seen in months – and being a web designer I get to see a lot of sites. Absolutely brilliant work!

  34. Mark says:

    How could leave out a young Jeremy Piven in Say anything. His keymaster “You Must Give Me My Keys” rant was classic. And his how to get girls advice is epic. If not totally wrong!

  35. Very cool stuff. Looking forward to seeing what you guys come up with next. “John Cusak as The Karate Kid” – Wow!

  36. crockwell says:

    Cusack just looks like a goldfish. in every film

  37. socialamigo says:

    Now it’s time to turn your attentions to the growth spurts of Harry Potter – we need to have this data visualization handy for trivia night.

  38. miBigFella says:

    i love when ricky lets go of the balloons and turns back and does this little futile jump for them , cracks me up every time

  39. Chris says:

    Great, simply great!

  40. I use this in my English class. Great work.

    Would love to see Dennis Hopper, Marlon Brando, or Danny Devito.

    How about a female? Can’t you draw their hair? SMiLE

    How about Sharon Stone?

    Speaking of stones, how about Keith Richards?

  41. osi says:

    beautifully done!

    but the colors are doing my eyes in.

  42. darojad says:

    love your color composition.

  43. Allan White says:

    Awe-some site. Much love. However: what about Grosse Pointe Blank? Are there just too many Cusack movies to choose from with similar themes?

    Would have been a good selection, could have easily replaced any of the others. Except Say Anything, of course. =)

  44. Lex says:

    Brilliant!!!!! More MOre. Come’on You have to do more! Serendipity? Hows’bout Doom Day limo driver? Awesome. Thank you!

  45. Haley says:

    I think a Nicholas Cage one would be very entertaining.
    Please and Thank you!

  46. admin says:

    @Allan – GPB didn’t take place in the 80s :) But ya, almost all of his movies fit the bill.

    @Haley – Agree on Nic Cage!

  47. Adithiap says:

    Great Works !!
    Awesome Man

  48. Sr. Wences says:

    Too funny. I think I just peed myself.

    I agree, we need women. How about Molly Ringwald or Madonna? Or Kathy Bates… yeah, that’s the ticket!

  49. christy weiser says:

    a great work of art as always more please

  50. Bailey Ryan says:

    RIP Grosse Point Blank Screenwriter… one of my favorite movies.

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